note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
