I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need to sanitize my soul.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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