Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
