I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.