i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
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I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
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You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
ttyl tear gas
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.