The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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