If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
