i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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