I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
