If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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