the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
