i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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