I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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