Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
