Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
