I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
