i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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