i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
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Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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