I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
