I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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