My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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