watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
