How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
