I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
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She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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