I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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