I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
