that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
