My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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