OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
