Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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