Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
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