she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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