Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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