Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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