Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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