so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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