I want to walk on stilts...naked
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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