is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
