Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
