I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
