I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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