I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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