Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
ttyl tear gas
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
