If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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