I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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