I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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