I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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