Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My dad is sitting where you rode me
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
