Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
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Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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