Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
