Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
