Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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