are you still at the devil's house?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
