god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
