That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
