nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
