Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
