someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
