OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
