So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
