you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
