awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
