Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize