dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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